That dark corner where I feel at home

Thoughts in words by Peter Wulff

The music carries me back to my original intention of understanding the mind. It’s as if I get swept around and carried away by social media, drugs, and education. Still, when I return to this music, which I’ve come to associate with my exploration of the mind deeply, I return to the path that seems the truest, the most profound and valuable to me — the way of a deeper understanding of the mind. 

Walking down this road is what I always return to after exploring new possibilities and interests, and it’s the reference point of everything else in my life. 

Everything I see is always a means to an end of understanding myself; everything I do is meant to deepen my understanding of the mind. This is the plateau from where I view life. And because all experience goes through our brain, all knowledge can be used to understand the mind.

I see how the insecurities that lurk in the cracks and chasms of my mind have a disrupting effect on everything I do. When writing, the insecurities ask me if my work is good enough. When talking to new people, they ask if I am good enough. The insecurities manifest as a constant and subtle emotion of doubt and self-hate. It’s as if a mental acid has been poured over everything that happens in my mind.

The more I believe in my thoughts, the more I engage in the arguments of my mind, i will be influenced by these insecurities. As an example, if I get news about an exciting event I want to go to, I’ll get excited and happy at that moment, but as time goes by, the thoughts will begin to have a say in my view of the event. As time goes by, the insecurities will make me rethink if I even want to go, because they make up scenarios where it all goes wrong for me.

This isn’t good enough. No one will want to read this. Everyone who says they like what you write is lying. You can never accomplish what you want.

Insecurities can make life seem dull and full of suffering. Insecurities want to make you believe that you can’t achieve your goals, that life is challenging in such a way that you are left without any power to act against it. But these are just thoughts, thoughts that impact every single thing you do. We may not always be aware of it, but most of us are run by a fundamental sense of insecurity and anxiety. 

Ask yourself this: how often do you do, or not do something because you’re scared of the outcome? How often do you act out of pure excitement?

This is the worst thing you’ve written. People will hate it.

Remaining aware of your headspace while going about your day is needed if you want to understand the profound impact that insecurities have on the decisions you make – the way you live life. Becoming aware of something also means that you remove yourself from it. In the act of seeing something, a space between you and the object will occur, and at that moment, you are free of the limitations it imposes on you. 

Becoming free is becoming aware – and the other way around.

That dark corner where I feel at home

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