“Be careful with how deep you go. You can wake up way more messed up than you are now”
Messed up and tired of her constant pessimism, he sips his jäger and leaves a cool and corrosive drop on his lip. The third drink was warming his body, the fourth is sinking his brains deeper into his head. He knows there is a girl sitting behind him with her friends. He knows that he should go home, but this time, home is where she lives. He turns around and looks at her with apathy in his eyes. With his looks there is no need for long chatter. She already knew what she wanted, and he just played along. The first time was painful. Nothing in his body felt like something he had felt before, when he was with another girl. But she kept on tearing him down, like he was just another human in a world full of nobodies. And he loved her… once that is. And she has a wedding ring around her finger. Just like the one laying under him. His ring sleeps tight in his pocket, while he invades another mans bed. The wrong kisses, the skin that isn’t hers, the smell of another woman. Laying on top, pushing her down, leaving when she falls asleep and wondering if she knows that he was inside anothers body.
Photo: Stefano Pollio
The bartender pours liquor into his sticky cup. In a way he feels at home, just like when he used to walk the streets at night with his boys high on anything he could swallow or sniff. That was before she steered him away from them. In a way he knew how little fault she had in all of this. They were so alike. Like an atheist and a cocaine recipe. Now she wont even look at him and he want touch her. And somehow they still manage to share a last name and a home. If she asks for a kid, than imma leave, he thinks and drinks his drink. “Who the fuck are you”, she had asked the other day and slammed the door behind her. Somehow he seems to have a hard time answering that questions to himself. There was a time where they would fuck every night, on the weekend even twice a day in between the fights and screams. They needed to show each other that the feelings where still there. They where still alive. Now there is nothing but silence. So she works overtime, and he pulls up yet another woman’s skirt, as if nothing about it was wrong. And every time he’s inside someone else, his wife’s face becomes les describable. As if he can’t remember what she looks like.
Photo: Sergio Alves
This night is different. Theres is no desire, no lust for staying the night trough. He drinks up, gets up and walks out the bar limping and dazzled with a breath smelling like mint and whisky. His breath i heavy and warm, and as he tries to walk away from the music and the smell of parfume and cigarettes, his knees cant hold his wight and he collapses. Sitting with his back leaning to the wall of a closed barbershop he can’t help but thinking about one girl in particular. She looks nothing like his wife, she sounds nothing like his wife and the is everything else – but his wife. Something about her was on every level dangerous. “Be careful with how deep you go. You can wake up way more messed up than you are now”. Her words were honest and had a painful truth about them. This was two years after he got married. Nothing about that evening was planned, but she just turned up and messed everything up. She left him high and dry, confused about what he had seen that night. He had a light of joy and greatness inside of him. There was something in his chest that embraced every part of him, kissing his skin from the outside as well as the inside. He could feel the warm energy surrounding his body, as if he could se and taste its color. with numb lips and a steady breathing he felt like a child without any care in the world, not being aware of the fact that this feeling even existed. And it loved him. Completely and unconditionally. The pureness of the state he was in was on every level surreal. And just like that… she disappeared, left him with the taste of divinity. He has starved ever since. Everything after that night was a blur. His love for his wife was no longer his love to bear. Not knowing his own limits or his own voice, he shares the same ride as the souls who sit with him and sip their liquor, trying to fill up the emptiness.