Be like water

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I

I want to be like water – which in turn makes me not like water.

I want not to want

what is this and

how do I let go?

How do I break free from the boundaries of my mind?

Thoughts in words By Peter Wulff

I’m nauseous from thinking of enlightenment. I’m full of dreaming of oneness. It makes me tired. I want nothing else than to be in this moment – filled with the laughter and arguments of people around me. I am engulfed in a dim light reminiscent of what I imagine the home of hobbit would be. I am simply here – feeling the cold and nursing touch of my laptop’s keys. The blackness of the keys is as mysterious as the experience of my inner universe. The metallic grayness dividing the keys seems to be falling like linear drops of iron sweat through the design from the mind of some designer from silicon valley.

Wishing to let the structure of my anticipations vanish into emptiness, I think I might not be the only one feeling like this. Maybe we all wish to drop everything in our hands onto the floor. Not because we want to destroy everything we’ve worked to build, but because we want to live fully and to live life in an immersive and intense manner.

I don’t think there’s much to gain from thinking of the future unless you’re conscious of it. I believe that we live most of our lives in a world of fantasy – drowning in the dark waters of imagination. We suffer because we are not listening to the discrete sound of funk on the café’s speakers. We suffer because we are not appreciating the crystal-like qualities of the water we’re drinking, and we suffer because we think that things are not as they should be.

We think “if just this one tiny detail would be different, things would be fine – we would be content.”

I’ve rarely experienced being content after achieving a goal. Maybe once after the momentary satisfaction of eating a piece of cake which quickly evolved into a desire for coffee, which then turned into a craving for a cigarette. And then back into searching for a fix.

We’re junkies and we don’t recognize it. We don’t see that our minds are continually searching for ways to improve our current situation. We think we know contentment. We think that we are in control. Our minds are mechanical to the core, continually scanning for the next shot of dopamine.

If anything I encourage you to take a look into the cravings that arise in your mind. Notice how quickly your thoughts and feelings turn from satisfaction from achieving a previous need into getting your next fix. Maybe if you start putting your awareness on your cravings, and how your thoughts and feelings manipulate you into not feeling content, you will get an understanding of your thoughts or feelings that make it seem like they are not working for your own contentment.

Maybe you will start disidentifying from your thoughts and feelings when you see that you want to be satisfied and content, while they keep trying to convince you to eat, drink, smoke or fuck more.

This is where the importance of developing awareness becomes obvious once again. To see your cravings arriving and living in real-time demands that you’re not blinded by them. What I call blindness is your unawareness, you not noticing what is happening.

As you start looking into this, you might be surprised at the degree in which you’re unaware. 

Once we have basic mindfulness, we can start noticing our cravings arising as they happen, and if you’re aware of them, you won’t be identified and thereby not engulfed in them. If you’re not stuck in the tar of your cravings, you can rise above them – just looking at them as a function of a mechanical mind.

Above is an example of how mindfulness works. I’m not content because i don’t feel like i’m water(whatever that means), but when i become aware of this fact, the liberating space of awareness arises. As i allow the dissatisfaction to be there, whilst continuing my awareness of the present, i release myself of my dissatisfaction and i am content.

Can you see that being aware of feelings and thoughts as they arise is fundamental in impulse control, and how impulse control is fundamental in the development of skills and inner peace? 

It all starts with awareness.

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